I never wrote a New Years post. I never shared my vision for what I hoped this year would be for me. I never wrote that I didn’t really want to change or work on something I lacked. Why should I have to always change something, can’t I simply be enough just the way I am? I never wrote that I wanted to own who I was and embrace it. I never wrote how I wanted to take all of the things that were wonderful about me, own them, make them even more awesome and then shout them out to the world. But this unwritten post brewed inside me for weeks…unwritten. It sat and it brewed and it swirled until it fueled an unignorable desire to put myself out there, to leap off the cliff of the unknown, to try something new and extremely and absolutely totally uncomfortable in … suddenly I the deep need to be a risk taker.
My first risk came in January. I quietly submitted a story to Listen To Your Mother. I waited and hoped and tried not to get my hopes up, but really wanted to be part of that amazing group of people. Also, standing on stage, reading my piece, the real me out there… total,make me almost puke risk! I was not selected. My heart hurt terribly. My Facebook stream filled with other who had been selected. I was happy for them but deep inside I hurt really bad. I had put myself out there. I had taken a huge risk. Where was my reward… F@*k you risk!!!
I submitted a proposal to speak at the Illinois ICE Conference. Encouraged by a wonderful friend to share what I was doing in the classroom I decided to value what I was doing, channel my creativity and I wrote the proposal. Me sharing my vision of making the classroom portable for students… allowing students to take lessosn home with them through technology, in front of my peers at the largest technology conference in Illinois… Thank you for your submission. You have made it to our waiting list for speakers…. Blah blah blah. F^#k you Risk!!!
In February I decided to create a public blog. A blog for my, Laverne the teacher me. PUBLIC… For everyone to see!!! PUBLIC!!! I would share about my experiences in the classroom. Share what I was trying, ideas I have and journies I was on. I would shout out all the awesomeness going on in our classroom and make it a hub of resources for my student to access anytime. Aside from starting akaLaverne, it was the best thing I have ever done!!! If you are even remotely familiar with what blogging in this space has done for me…blogging as a teacher has done that equally for me as an educator!!! Make me tear up…. I LOVE you Risk!!!.. and then I {hold you breath} told others about my classroom blog. I told my principal, my administrator, colleagues and I started {hold your chair} I tweeting about it. Connecting with other educators and the feedback I was getting was beyond words. It all just added to the giddily rewarding feeling I was already feeling.
Suddenly RISK might not be all bad!??
So I took some more…
Last month, when the annual email came asking for teacher who wanted to teach a summer tech session came to my inbox I tucked away my feeling of fear and potential disappointment. My burns from taking risks had healed. So I took a deep breath and I submitted TWO proposals. Now I wait!
A couple weeks ago BlogHer posted their announcement that their annual call for Voices of the Year was open. I daydreamed that someone would be enter one of my posts. I’m not gonna lie. How cool would that be and who doesn’t love that kind of love. And what blogger wouldn’t love to stand in front of their peers reading their work, sharing their heart or even just have their work recognized like that…. complete awesome amazingness. Then I thought, why someone else? Why not me?! An article popped up in my stream… submit your own. A post went up on google+ about being an advocate of you. What was I waiting for? There will be so many submissions to BlogHer mine probably wouldn’t even get noticed. Remember LTYM. That hurt bad. Your heart ached in disappointment. So I said F#%k you fear! I looked though my old posts from the last year. I looked for one I though would have the biggest impact and bring the most meaning to others. I couldn’t settle on one.
Then I heard a whisper.
It was my heart.
“Pick me,” it said.
“Remember how you felt in this moment. Remember what it meant to you. Remember how deeply you were moved. This is about you and what it means to you.”
So I took a deep breath… and I submitted my story. Now I wait.
I wait, but this time I will not wait in fear. You see each time I jump of the cliff of the unknown I have no idea if I will fall or soar.
I do know this.
Even though falling hurts really bad, I’ll get up again, I’ll rub the sore spots and maybe even cry but I will do it. I will do it because I know that if I don’t take that step I would never know how incredible soaring is!
AND
Authors Note… I apologize in advance for all the swearing. It really is not like me…well yeah it really is, but in real life and not on my blog but I just could not come up with a word that had the same pow as …you know the F word. Also, I could not decide which image to use. Cute, simple, classic chalk board with lovely Eleanor Roosevelt quote or in your face say it like it is phrase so… I am went with both!
